And You'll Never Walk Alone!
by Crow Dish
Summary: A stowaway is found on the Heart of Gold, and she and Ford immediately take a disliking to each other. The others must do something before everyone goes mad.
1. Chapter 1: Bless You

"Good God, Zaphod! How many times do we have to explain it to you?" The voice that was resonating through the halls of the Heart of Gold sounded frustrated in a uniquely Ford Prefect-like way. In fact, it was Ford Prefect, who was slumped in the corner in a position that looked ridiculously comfortable. The man sitting in the position did not look quite as comfortable. He looked, as his voice suggested, frustrated.  
The other main participant in the argument looked quite a bit less frustrated and quite a bit more smug. "I understand the concept. What I can't grasp is the attraction. Humans really find it fun to sit in a circle and tap each other on the heads, yelling out names of birds and running around aimlessly?"  
"It's Duck Duck Goose. It's a bloody children's game. You stop playing it when you turn seven." Ford found arguing with Zaphod exhausting. You might think the two heads would make it easier to get ideas across to him. You would be wrong. It just made it twice as difficult to pound ideas into his skull, or in his case, skulls. Ford couldn't even remember why it was so bloody important that Zaphod understood the 'attraction' of Duck Duck Goose anyhow. He looked for support from the other two people in the room, both of whom understood Duck Duck Goose better than he or Zaphod ever would.  
Arthur was just opening his mouth to speak when he was very rudely interrupted.  
A very loud cough was heard over the ship's loudspeaker.  
Here is what the Encyclopedia Galactica has to say about coughing. It says that coughing is a pesky symptom to many viruses that carbon based life form can contract. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy pins it down as a useful tool for diversion if you're stuck in a sticky situation. It also notes, however, that it is a very easy way to get into a sticky situation if you're hiding and then give away your position by coughing.  
This specific cough, the one heard by the crew of four in the Heart of Gold, was a perfect example of that last thing.  
Each of the four people in the room glanced at the other three, waiting for someone to come clean. When no one did, Trillian spoke up. "Computer!"  
Eddie immediately switched himself on. "Good morning!" his annoying voice exclaimed cheerfully. "What can I help you with this fine morning?"  
"What was that noise?"  
A bit of the computer's cheerfulness turned to nervousness, which made everyone extremely suspicious. "What noise? I didn't hear any noise."  
Computers are bad liars.  
"It was a sneeze," Trillian prompted, almost threatening.  
"Oh, that noise!" Eddie burst out, trying desperately to think of something. "That was... erm... me! Sorry about that. Got a little dust in my circuits, is all. Alright now, though." He seemed satisfied with the answer he came up with.  
Trillian glared at him for a moment, the looked to the others. "I say we split up and look for whatever sneezed." Eddie decided to turn himself off before Trillian found another reason to be mad at him.  
Arthur couldn't say he really cared what sneezed. If it was dangerous, why go looking for it? He vaguely connected this last thought with bees. If you don't bother them, his mother used to say, they won't bother you. Even if this wasn't the case, and they were about to die, he would much rather spend his last moments not worrying about it. Although he didn't know it at the time, Zaphod shared this view, except, of course, for the part about the bees. Trillian's idea was probably the most practical; she wanted to prevent the danger. Ford was just curious.  
Curiosity killed the cat is not a phrase that exists on Betelgeuse.  
In fact, Ford was the first who found the source of the sneeze. He was wandering down one of the many winding hallways of the Heart of Gold, looking for some sort of clue, when he heard a sniffling coming from behind a door that led into a dark closet. "Well hello there," he mumbled to himself as he stopped, took a couple steps backward and opened the door, staring into the darkness.  
A pair of watery eyes stared back at him.  
"God bless you," he said. 


	2. Chapter 2: He's A Hitchhiker

The eyes belonged to a woman. She looked a bit younger than the man staring at her, and she was in rough shape. She was much too thin to be healthy, dressed in clothes that were almost, but not quite, ragged enough to be called rags. Her arms and legs were covered in bruises and scratches, some of which looked fairly recent. Her build was tall but awkward, and she didn't look as if she could be too strong. Her hair was a grimy auburn color, and her features were striking on her pale skin. Her eyes were sunken, grey, watering and nervous. They were absolutely fixed on Ford and she looked positively horrified.  
Ford was amused about the whole situation. "What ever happened to thank you?" he teased her, grinning only slightly. He hadn't really expected a woman to be in the closet, but he wasn't really surprised either. It was hard to be surprised by anything if you lived on the Heart of Gold.  
She wasn't sure if he was serious or not. She decided it would be safer to take it as if he were serious. She smirked deeply at him, keeping her eyes fixed directly on his. "Thank you," she mumbled under her breath. She was still afraid, but she knew she would be better off if he didn't know that. A lot of factors played into the situation.  
Ford knew he should get the others, and felt that the scrawny little woman couldn't be much of a threat, but he found it difficult, if not impossible, to break the eye contact. She was grinning in a way he did not like, and he had the sinking feeling in his stomach that he was ultimately loosing to her. That was when he got the sudden urge to not be alone with her any longer. "Hey guys!" he shouted, though he still could not look away. "I found it over here!"  
When the other three showed up behind him, he was still having a staring contest with the girl. Neither of them had blinked yet, but she looked thoroughly amused, whereas he did not. When she released him to glance, slightly nervously, at the others, he was panting from exhaustion.  
"This the whole posse?" she asked, her eyes darting between the four of them. Even though she looked away first, she felt she was ultimately the winner of her contest with Ford, and that made her feel a bit more confident.  
"Yes," Trillian gave her the benefit of the doubt and told her the truth. "Where are you from?"  
"Earth," she answered casually, rubbing at her nose. "The name is Gormley Junction." Trillian and Arthur shot each other a blank look of disbelief. Ford was still standing in front, and he leaned in slightly, glaring suspiciously at her with a different kind of disbelief – he absolutely did not believe her. Only Zaphod was not thrown for some kind of loop. It was not a coincidence that he was the only one that had not lived on Earth for an extended period of time.  
"Earth!" he exclaimed, stepping forward and simultaneously pushing Ford out of the way. "Thought we had the last of those, but now... I suppose we really do!" He was grinning largely, thinking that this was quite an incredible piece of luck.  
Ford, on the other hand, was thinking no such thing. He stepped back in front of Zaphod, leaning down to the woman's level. "Ha ha," he said, although he didn't seem to find it in the least bit funny. "Now, where are you really from?" Zaphod was utterly confused about this display of what could only be the opposite of trust. Arthur and Trillian, though, knew where he was coming from. There was something subtly foreign about her. It struck Arthur as the same subtly odd thing he'd seen in Ford back when they both lived on Earth.  
She knew Ford would figure it out. She knew where he was from too. It could only be one place. "Betelgeuse Three," she answered, just loudly enough for him to hear.  
"As I thought. And your real name?"  
"Gormlean Jonqtuma."  
"Mmhmm..." he concluded with satisfaction, grinning slightly. He hadn't lost so badly after all, he thought. Then he retreated back to the line of the others.  
Trillian, as usual, approached the situation with the most level- headedness. She motioned the rucksack in the closet that she'd been eyeing. "Hand it over. I have to see if you're clean."  
Gormlean didn't like the idea of that. There was nothing incriminating, she just didn't want anyone else's filthy hands touching her things. After a few moments of hesitation, she handed it up, giving Trillian the evil eye.  
The first thing Trillian pulled out was a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, with the word "don't" scratched off the cover. She looked up (or rather, down) to the other woman. "Aha, you're a hitchhiker then?"  
An involuntary look of revulsion quickly spread across her face. "Absolutely not," she replied, making no attempt to hide her disdain and disgust at the mere thought. "A stowaway. Seeing the entire galaxy for exactly zero Altarian dollars a day."  
The word 'obvious' simultaneously drifted through everyone's minds. In addition, Trillian connected with the word 'stupid.'  
All of a sudden, everyone knew quite a lot more about their guest. Stowaways had clear and unique personality traits. Here is what the Guide has to say about them: Stowaways are a very proud breed. They often consider 'luxuries' what most other people consider basic needs (for example, food). They are invariably very intelligent, not because only intelligent creatures choose to become stowaways, but because only intelligent stowaways survive. It's a risky occupation, so if you meet one that's still alive (and don't kill it), you should congratulate it. The only thing that's greater than a hitchhiker's hate for a stowaway is a stowaway's hate for a hitchhiker. They find hitchhikers weak for needing so much help from others. (However, most people aren't surprised to find out that the murder rate of stowaways is much higher than that of hitchhikers.) They did not hate the guide at the time of publishing, but by the time you're reading this, they probably do (thanks to this entry.)  
If there had been any small chance of Ford and Gormlean becoming friends, this killed it. This was a feud that had been going on since before either of them existed.  
In accordance with this, Ford was the first to speak. "I think we should kill it," he spat out. Everyone involved except for him found this to be rather harsh. The only reason he did not was he was still sore from the 'staring contest,' which was really just him being taken advantage of. His reaction was a dead giveaway, at least to the girl, that he must be a hitchhiker. Nothing else could be so vile.  
The Guide was right about the intelligence thing. Gormlean quickly determined Ford was not willing to help her and decided to begin taking advantage of someone else, namely, Arthur. She turned her full attention onto him, whom she had decided was the male who was most likely to take pity on her. "Please don't, I've made it this far!" She sighed deeply rubbing at her nose, which was still running.  
Her calculations had been correct. Arthur turned to Trillian and Zaphod, feeling tremendously bad for the woman, completely unaware that that was how she wanted him to feel. "Let's keep her," he suggested.  
To everyone's surprise, Ford seemed to like this idea. "Yes!" he exclaimed. "That's a perfectly lovely idea! Let's keep her for a pet!" He grinned maliciously at her. "I've always wanted a dog."  
That was a worse insult than it might have seemed. The Guide sums up pretty nicely how the Universe feels about dogs. Horrible, filthy creatures, it says.  
Trillian nudged him slightly with her shoulder. "Be nice," she warned him. Rather nice of her to give him a warning, really, so it was a shame he ignored it.  
"You know, I've always wondered, though..." he continued as if Trillian was not there. "If I ever did have a dog, would I remember to feed it?" He'd finally succeeded in inventing a thinner veil for thinly veiled threats.  
Gormlean opened her mouth to say something she knew she'd regret, realized they were still debating over whether or not to kill her, and closed it again, grinning a painful, thin lipped grin. "Well, I assure you, I can go without food for quite a long while. However, I feel you couldn't say the same, which is why I think you are weaker than me." It was a bit of a risk, but she felt as if the others would understand she had earned it.  
They did. Trillian elbowed him, quite a bit harder this time. He rubbed self-righteously at it, glaring at her. Clearly, he didn't understand what he did wrong. In his head, he was the victim. On top of that, she had hit him on the arm that was still bruised from a close call with a sperm whale and some petunias. "Strike two," she mouthed to him, and he shrugged. He wondered how exactly she was choosing the strikes. The current situation wasn't quite like any sport he knew.  
Gormlean's eyes searched Trillian for an answer, but got nothing.  
"Let's be civilized," Zaphod interjected. He hadn't quite caught the significance of Ford's discovery and still thought they were dealing with another Earthling. "We'll have a vote." Gormlean thought voting on her life was less than civilized, but decided against saying so. "Who thinks we should keep her?"  
Arthur's hand went into the air first, followed by Trillian's. Both of them felt sorry for the girl; Arthur for the shape she was in, and Trillian for how she was being treated by Ford. Ford's hand began to go up next, but was withdrawn when Trillian clarified, "He means keep her as a guest." Zaphod, who expected people to vote vocally, caught on and raised one of his arms as well. He didn't really feel any pity for her; he just thought that they might as well collect her if she was from Earth as well. Then they'd have the lot.  
Arthur nudged Gormlean with his foot. "Vote for yourself," he whispered to her. Realizing she could do this, her hand shot up as well, exposing more of her bruised arm.  
"Looks like it's four to one," Trillian observed with a nod. Gormlean let out a loud sigh of relief and her life stopped flashing before her eyes, which was good, as it was very distracting. Trillian grinned slightly. "Sorry, Ford, but you'll have to learn to deal with her."  
He didn't seem to hear. "I'd watch my back if I were a little canine like – Geeaaahhh!" The first part of his statement was a clear indication that was planning something, and it was caused by a newly exposed, malicious part of his mind that the girl seemed to bring out in him. The second part was a yelp of a sudden outburst of pain and was caused by something Trillian was doing to his shoulder.  
"Three strikes, Ford, you're out!"  
While Ford, Trillian and Zaphod got into a heated argument about the whole situation, Gormlean gently nudged Arthur's ankle and he looked down at her. "Is he always like this?" she whispered, motioning to Ford.  
"Oh, not really. Maybe he'll snap out of it."  
"I doubt it," she grinned. "He's a hitchhiker." 


	3. Chapter 3: Hey, Bingo

The next morning, Gormlean had a quick moment of panic. The first thing that was wrong was she was sleeping in a bed. Then she realized, she was clean, and not really that hungry. Last, she noticed that her arms and legs were bandaged up. Although this might have been construed as a good thing to most people, it was different, and to Gormlean, different meant alarming. Eventually, she remembered that she was on the Heart of Gold. She remembered, although vaguely, meeting Arthur, Ford, Zaphod and Trillian.  
She stood up and looked around. That's when she spotted the first clue, which looked as if it had been slipped under her door. Upon closer examination, it was a dog collar. A small silver tag was hanging from it. She squinted her eyes and managed to make out the word "Bingo." With a quiet snort, she continued to examine it. On the other side of the tag, she discovered, it read in very small but clear engravings, "If found, please return to owner: Ford Prefect." Disgusted, she threw it aside.  
The first person she found after leaving her room was Arthur, which was a relief. Arthur was the only one she really found she could relate to, and of course, anything was better than Ford. She had a hazy idea that finding her way straight into a brick wall would be better than finding her way directly to Ford, but of course, it was far too early for her to actually know what that meant.  
"Glad you're not a brick wall, Arthur," was all she managed to get out. It made quite a bit more sense in her head than it did when she said it out loud.  
"I'm rather glad about that too," he assured her with a nod. He hadn't remembered her getting any alcohol the night before. It might be cleared up to him that she, in fact, was not drunk, because she wasn't. However, he could see absolutely no reason to believe that she was not drunk, because it completely contradicted how she was stumbling down the hall and comparing him to brick walls.  
This was about the time when Ford walked by, rubbing at his eyes. He stopped to look at the two people who were already occupying the space which he had been planning on walking through. "Erm... morning, Arthur. Bingo." He nodded to each of them in turn, eyeing the empty air behind them with interest.  
"People are slaves to their pets, you know," Gormlean remarked, tottering on her heels dangerously. Arthur quickly took her arm and regained her balance for her.  
Ford's eyes focused on her. "Not all people," he commented offhandedly, then looked past her again.  
"They made animal abuse laws for people like you." She snorted lightly.  
Ford opened his mouth to speak, but before any sound came out, Arthur interrupted him. "If you're just going to interrupt us, could you please go away?" he said with a sudden burst of self righteousness.  
This caused a sullen, tired Ford to become a cross, frustrated Ford. "Although I don't understand why I am the one getting scolded when she was clearly the one causing the issue, I would be more than happy to go away if the both of you would just kindly move. In fact, if you hadn't been in my way in the first place, I wouldn't be here engaged in this idle chit-chat anyhow." He said all of this very fast and he said it in one breath. Gormlean and Arthur both stepped to the side, letting Ford storm through without another word.  
She stared after him, blinking a few times, before she was pulled back to her senses by Arthur tapping on her shoulder. "Well, that was exciting," she confided to him.  
He shrugged, then nodded, then shrugged again. "Actually, I was about to go see if you were up. I was a bit anxious to talk to you."  
"Okay, let's talk."  
He sat down, and a moment later, she sat across from him. He took a few seconds to compose his thoughts, then asked the first question, and the one that was bothering him the most. "Why did you lie?"  
"Lie?" She looked genuinely confused, and slightly offended. "I don't lie."  
"But you told us you were from Earth, but then you told Ford you were from his planet!" It seemed to Arthur that there was a large misunderstanding going on. He very much hoped he wasn't bearing the blunt of the misunderstanding because he was getting extremely tired of being the one who didn't know what they were talking about.  
"Yes, the question was worded in a misleading way," she agreed, then realized how little this cleared up and decided to continue. "Let me put it this way. If you were born in Bristol, but moved to London when you were young and stayed there, and somebody asked you as an adult where you were from, what would you say?"  
This question blew Arthur's mind a little. "London." The answer was easy enough, but he thought that the conversation was quickly moving out of his control.  
"Yes, exactly. Now, let's say you had lived in London for many years and called it home, and then suddenly had to move away very quickly, and while you were in the process of moving, someone asked you were you were from. What would you say then?"  
"Probably still London," admitted Arthur sheepishly, although he didn't quite understand why he felt sheepish. "If there's a point, please make it."  
She grinned sympathetically at him. "Yes, I'm almost there," she assured him. "That's exactly what happened to me. Just substitute Bristol with Betelgeuse Three and London with Earth." As an afterthought, she thoughtfully added, "Liverpool, actually. And unless I'm very wrong, I believe Ford was from... Five, yes? I never shared a planet with him. Except Earth, I suppose."  
Suddenly, the line of questions Arthur had come up with became irrelevant. This was okay, as they were almost instantaneously replaced with twice as many new ones. The first one spilled out of his mouth before he had time to contain it. "Why'd you live on Earth?" He immedietly thought he sounded foolish, but it made sense in that every other character he'd met so far seemed to dislike Earth with a passion.  
"I got tired of Betelgeuse in my twenties and decided to leave home. Didn't have a cent to my name, so I hid in the back of some ship that I had no idea where it was going, and thus I was started. I explored for years before I finally decided the Universe was getting too dangerous for a stowaway and went on a mission to find a planet that I could fall in love with enough to stay. I lived on Earth for I don't know how long." She was vaguely surprised at the fact that she could sum up her life into four sentences.  
Arthur took a moment to absorb that, and was pleasantly surprised at how well it settled with him. "But then why are you..."  
"Here?" she finished for him. "I knew about Earth's fate a tad before the rest of the population and I've been ship hopping since then."  
That actually made sense to him. "One thing I don't understand," he said after a few moments. "Is the timing. You left when you were twenty- something, spent x years as an explorer, spent x years on Earth, but you still look about twenty-something."  
"Yes, I'm actually one hundred and sixty-four."  
His eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "That old?" he managed.  
She shrugged. "Yeah. I must be younger than your Ford and Zaphod, though."  
This most definitely blew Arthur's mind. In this regard, it was a nice coincidence that Ford strode into the room at that very moment. This was the only regard that it was particularly nice in.  
Gormlean saw him and quickly leaned in very close to Arthur. "Please give me permission to stick up for myself without having to worry about my neck," she whispered urgently to him.  
It took him a moment to understand this statement. He soon realized she was afraid of getting kicked off the ship if she said anything to Ford, and almost laughed out loud. "Don't worry, he's much closer to getting booted than you are. I think you'd be doing us all a favour if you put him in his place."  
This seemed like an intelligent thing to say at the time. In retrospect, it probably caused a lot of problems.  
"Hey Bingo," he called out, grinning madly. "Are you too old for me to teach you new tricks?" He clearly gained pleasure from this.  
She didn't even seem to hear him. Looking in the exact opposite direction of where he was standing, she spoke in a tone that was slightly more than slightly condescending. "So, did you hitch a lift on this ship?"  
He blinked, just once. "No, not this one," he admitted, unsure as to where she was taking the conversation.  
"Oh, it's a nice ship. The computer seems very eager to help." There was a very odd way about her words that made them seem like a threat.  
Arthur broke the silence nervously. "I was wondering why it didn't want to admit there was anyone else on board."  
"Not too bright though. I just told it to keep a secret and it did."  
Ford finally determined where the conversation was going and decided he didn't like it. "I assume you already know the basics," he said, matter- of-factly. When Arthur looked very confused, he added, "You know... sit, stay, lie down, speak, play dead..."  
Gormlean spun around to face him and made a gesture Arthur didn't understand. By the way Ford reacted, however, he gathered that it was quite offensive. "Go zark yourself," she spat at him, fuming. When she spun back around to Arthur, her face was turning red. He was amazed at how quickly her mannerisms could change. When she had been talking to him, he could have sworn she was really from Earth originally. When she started talking to Ford, it seemed incredible that she could have ever passed off as an Earthling. The characteristics were so different, yet she had them both perfected, and the most impressive part was how smoothly she could switch between them.  
"What did you like so much about Earth, anyhow?" Ford asked, largely ignoring her previous comment. Arthur bristled slightly but kept quiet.  
She thought for a moment before answering. "The humanity. Other planets are too perfect." If she had been talking to Arthur, she might have explained that it had the right ratio of good things and bad things, that everywhere else she'd been seemed too much like a movie, and that only Earth seemed real to her. Unfortunately, she was talking to Ford, so most of her philosophical moment remained unsaid.  
"Well, it's the only planet with humanity, I'll give you that," Ford commented, much more civilly than anything else he had previously said. Her answer made him realize she belonged on Earth, he felt a slight pang of sympathy, and then it was gone. He scowled. "But I don't understand how that's a good thing."  
Arthur bristled again, and cleared his throat. "Excuse me."  
He was ignored. "Well then it was very dense of you to ask," Gormlean replied haughtily, and there was some truth to her words.  
"I was curious to see if you had some mind-blowing reason that would give me a new respect for Earth, but apparently not."  
"Excuse me," Arthur said again, more loudly this time.  
"Yeah, Ford, you're offending Arthur. Go away."  
"Why don't you go away?" he snapped, getting angry. "You don't belong here anyway."  
She snorted, in a manner that was not at all unlike a bull. "Maybe I will!"  
"Good!" he countered. "Do it!"  
She did. And on her way out, she did something to Ford that made him let out a long string of curses, in several different languages.  
These kinds of exchanges continued happening for almost a week before the plan was hatched. 


End file.
